Today was my day. It had been a few weeks since my last 'sleep all day Sunday' and I was long overdue. I had a plan:
1. Get up
2. Drink excessive amounts of coffee
3. Go to church
4. Over eat a local buffet
5. Come home
6. Put on stretchy pants
7. Pass out
Simple, yet to the point. By 2pm, I had made it to step number seven. I was ecstatic. I put on my comfy cozy jams, locked my door, turned on my noise maker (thunderstorm setting of course) and crawled into my yummy bed made of flannel and down. HEAVEN.
Twenty minutes later.....
I'm in that 'not really awake but not really asleep enough to dream' and I hear....
BANG BANG BANG!
If I avoid it, it will go away......
"MOMMMMMMMM!!!!" BANG BANG BANG
I will not kill the only child....ONLY CHILD....I do not have a replacement....
"MOM!!! Can you open this door?? I have to potty! Can you use your bathroom?? Mom??? MOM!!" "Mom," *jiggles door knob* "why is the door locked??? Are you in there?"
I'm sorry, nobody is here at the moment, please leave a message at the beep and we'll get back to you just a soon as possible. BEEEEEEEEEP.
I stumble out of bed and open the door. "Child, you have your own bathroom, why are you not using it?"
"Because I really had to go! I might not have made it to mine in time!"
"You do realize that in the time you spent banging on my door and screeching at me to let you in, you could have made to your bathroom and back by now, right?"
30 minutes later......
Mmmm, back in dream land. I refuse to give up on my goal of the day....Sleep.
Why is the bed shaking?? OMG! EARTHQUAKE!
Oh wait, never mind...It's my husband...shaking my shoulders....I think he's trying to communicate with me.
"Hey baby, whatcha doin'?"
I'm obviously painting a mural on the wall.
You know what, no. I'm not even going to respond with words. I'm going to respond with a series of dirty looks and eyebrow raises. He seems to be getting the idea and is backing away slowly. Well done my friend, well done.
Seriously, not 15 minutes later......
*Loud noises, loud noises loud noises....*
I don't even want to know.
Hey look, there's a small child standing next to my bed...It's jumping up and down and waving it's arms sporadically....I make eye contact with it...I'm talking, I think?. I'm not sure I'm actually speaking English. Maybe speaking in tongues? I have no idea. It ran away in fear.
*Kanye shrugs* I'll pay for an extra year of therapy.
About 2 hours after I set off to take my lovely, Sunday afternoon stroll through dreamland, I finally arrived at my destination. Dare I ask, is it like this for all mothers? It took me years to realize that I would never again be able to just do 'what I want, when I want'. As much as it makes me insane, I could never give it up. As much as I grumble and complain about it, I could never imagine my life without it. Besides, if it didn't exist, I'd have nothing to blog about;)