Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I Don't Care If It's Yellow.....

Public restrooms are disgusting.  I hate them.  I avoid them at all costs.  Why you ask?  Simple, they're just an overgrown Petri dish of detestable grossness waiting to latch on to an unsuspecting soul, which would be me.

I do all I can to prevent said grossness of the public bathroom from finding it's way to my body.  I cover the seat with protective layer of toilet paper (or those nifty little seat cover things), hover oh so skillfully over the seat (even though it makes my knees hurt) and bathe in antibacterial soap prior to rejoining the general pubic.  Yet, I still never feel, uh, clean? . 

Oh and then there's always that fear of some vile creature lurking in the bowl, waiting to strike it's victim in the most awkward of places.  I know this happens people, I googled it.

Amplification of said fear only occurs when I walk into a stall and realize, someone has left their 'business' behind.  OH MAH GOSH.  The thought of makes me dry heave.

Why ladies?  Why do you feel the need to do this?  We are LADIES, not men.   This should never occur! Our genetic makeup should prevent us from making such deplorable decisions.

Being the giver of time and useful knowledge that I am, I have taken it upon myself to 'refresh' your memory on  proper public bathroom etiquette.  

PLEASE SEE BELOW for these seven, easy to follow steps:
  1. Cover Seat
  2. Hover
  3. Remove Cover
  4. Flush
  5. Confirm Flush
  6. Exit Stall
  7. Wash Hands
Otherwise known as CHRFCEW.  Which coincidentally goes hand in hand with "If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be neat and wipe the seat." These habits should be etched into your mind.  If not for your own safety, for the safety and sanitary (<--See? See what I did there?  Sanity, Sanitary? Get it? Good, right?) of others.

I do not need to bear witness to the fact that you have not had enough liquids today, or the fact that you had corn for dinner last night and most defiantly NOT to fact that you may not be feeling 'Tip Top' today. 

Again, I dry heave.

So, just to summarize, the "If it's yellow, let it mellow" tree hugging, save the planet rule, most certainly does NOT apply in a public setting.  Neither does talking on your cell phone while sitting in the stall next to me.  That too is an equally unforgivable offense.  Maybe I'll blog about that one tomorrow.  Or Friday.  I don't know, I haven't decided yet.

1 comment:

Marcie and BIll said...

Ummmm, having served women exclusively in a Labor and Delivery setting for the past 12 yrs, women ARE just as disgusting as men, and some don't know about soap, and proper necessary trimming that must occur to nether regions. When you can smell a woman's 'goods' BEFORE the undies come off, its not a good sign!!